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Adolescence is a difficult time not only for parents, but also for the children themselves. At this time, parents often realize that the rules by which they communicated with their children no longer apply; at this time, parenting errors often emerge - they understand that something needs to be changed.

We are in website We decided to find out what so often prevents us, parents, from building strong, warm relationships with teenagers and not losing their trust.

13. Insist on honesty

Many parents find it difficult to accept that an older child does not allow them into all areas of his life. Often they begin to demand more frankness from the child. But it is extremely important for a teenager to feel independent and rely on his own opinion. The more he feels pressure on himself, resentment from his family, the more he begins to close himself off and protect his personal space: he moves away from frankness and begins to deceive.

12. Violating personal space

Sometimes, with the best intentions, parents begin to check the teenager’s pockets, bag, and correspondence. By doing this, we not only show disrespect to the child, but also devalue his personal space, and he is just beginning to try to handle it.

This greatly undermines his trust in both his parents and himself. It is worth making the effort to ensure that control is the result of an open and honest agreement between you and your child.

11. Ignore your teenager's opinion

When parents are not interested in the child’s opinion and do not take it into account, he feels that it is not important for his parents, and concludes that he is not loved or respected.

Such behavior can provoke aggression in a child. The second option is also possible: the child will give in in response to your persistence and one day may simply lose the ability to make decisions on their own.

10. You make vague demands

Of course, at the level of common sense, the child will understand you, but It can be very difficult for him to implement the requirement, since the criteria are quite vague.

Over time, this can lead to a big difference of opinion between you: the child will believe that he already fully meets the requirements, and you will believe that there is always something to strive for. To avoid this, you should be clear about what you want and learn how to tell your children exactly what you want.

9. You invalidate his feelings.

Parents often feel that their children overdramatize events. But if a child does not regularly receive support from loved ones, he feels rejected and closes down even more. Or

begins to protest against parents and behave aggressively.

Try to take seriously everything that happens to your child, respect his feelings, value his trust. Let him know that he is understood and accepted, that his feelings are important to you.

8. Not always consistent

Sometimes, in order for the child to comply with the requirements, parents resort to promises or threats that cannot be fulfilled in advance. But when the desired goal is achieved, they forget about their words or are simply in no hurry to fulfill them. But it’s worth remembering: teenagers are very scrupulous about keeping the promises of adults. If loved ones say empty words over and over again, the child will stop believing them. So

parents will lose authority in the eyes of the teenager.

7. Teach him too much about life.

You should not turn your parental authority into dictate. Otherwise, this can simply lead to either severe rebuff and aggression on the part of the child, or you simply risk breaking his integrity and self-esteem.

Parents of teenagers should strive for reasonable compromises. Make decisions together with the child, make concessions that will allow him to save his face. It is worth learning to see in a child, first of all, an individual who needs to be respected.

6. Live his life

When the entire life of parents is built only around the child, dissolved in him - this is already a clear overkill. Children, adopting the attitude of their parents towards themselves, can begin to treat them with the same obvious disdain.

Parents should devote time to their own interests and find time to relax. Without this, it is extremely difficult to build the right relationship with a child, and it is difficult for him to be proud of his parents and appreciate them.

5. Not interested in his life

Without knowing how a child lives and what interests him, it is impossible to build a trusting relationship with him, which is so important in adolescence.

If you try to find out more about what is happening in the child’s life, about his hobbies and show your awareness, then you will earn his favor and you will have something to talk about.

Parents often believe that praise is only necessary for excellent grades. However Teenagers need approval in everything they do. This gives the child strength to move on and helps him cope with failures more easily.

However, no one can cancel healthy criticism. But you should always restrain your emotions and remember what your goal is: to punish the child? Express your attitude to the action? Help him realize he was wrong? Or solve the problem together with him?

3. Don't know their friends closely

It would be a good idea for parents to get to know their children’s closest social circle. To do this, it is often enough to simply invite them to visit you for a cup of tea and pie.

This will not only strengthen your relationship, but will also help you to be calm about your own child. If you are very concerned about one of your teen's friends, you can discuss this with them in a sensitive manner. Relying on your opinion, he himself will draw a conclusion about his comrade.

1. Spend little time together

It is only at first glance that it seems that teenagers are already big and do not need parental attention and affection. Even if you have very little time, let quality replace quantity. On weekdays, it’s enough to spend half an hour or an hour together, but without being distracted by your own affairs, weekends can be devoted to going on a hike together, watching a movie or playing games.

If the life together of parents and a teenager is reduced to only formal communication, he may begin to feel unnecessary, unprotected, feel hopeless, and have weak self-esteem.

These troubled teenagers. How to survive the “transitional” age

These troubled teenagers

Today I would like to talk about the teenage (transitional, pubertal) age of a child, which is accompanied by serious and not very serious difficulties in the family.

Parents come to me with different requests:

- “I’m doing something wrong, so I can’t find a common language with the child”;

- “This monster has already tormented everyone, do at least something with him!”;

- “He doesn’t want to do anything, no goals, no interests. How to motivate?

And some don’t apply at all for several reasons:

• The period is relatively calm. Parents are understanding about their child’s experiences.
• Parents don’t really care about this, they don’t have time, they consider all his experiences to be nonsense. And they leave the child alone with their fears and problems that they do not want to see or notice.

There are three types of parental behavior:

1. Anxious, overprotective.
2. Trusting, supportive.
3. Detached, uncomprehending.

The first and third types are similar to each other in that accompanied by emotional detachment. The first type is very worried, and cannot, and does not even want to hear the true experiences of the child, then the third type, it is generally unclear what feelings they are experiencing.

What happens to the child?

• At the physiological level the body begins to change. And if yesterday it was a cute yellow duckling, now it has turned into an “ugly” duckling. And he doesn’t know whether he will become a beautiful swan or not with this new “vegetation” on his body, acne, and increased sweating. Hormonal changes increase his fears and worries.
• In addition to fears associated with appearance, there is desire for independence, independence from parental figures and at the same time strong need for support, acceptance And approval. The teenager is looking for standards that will be a guide, a model for a new life. The child actively begins to imitate. If there are difficulties in relations with parents, if parents do not have sufficient authority, when parents themselves doubt the correctness of their lives, their actions, then what happens is searching for this standard outside the family. For example, among other, more authoritative peers or “stars” (this is how fanaticism is born). Through searching for answers to questions "Who am I?", “what am I?” And through imitation of significant others one’s own identity is formed.

What determines the peculiarity of this period?

From the following factors:

• characteristics of the child himself, physiology, nervous system;
• the atmosphere in the family in which he is located;
• relationship between child and parents. And it must be constant, consistent, understandable.

1. Adaptive- represents “adjusting” the child to the expectations of adults. Such children are usually obedient and well-mannered, which suits parents and others, but there are negative consequences of their behavior.
2. Protest- represents a situation when a child is asked to do something, but he does the opposite. Moreover, parents can order, command, etc., but the baby categorically refuses to do this.
3. Free choice— the main goal of education should be the desire to teach the child to make free choices. In other words, he must know what to do in a given situation and be able to take responsibility for his choice.

Let's look at several combinations between certain types of behavior of the child and parents:

1. A child with free choice + an understanding parent= the best result when, even if there are difficulties of adolescence, they pass relatively easily.
2. Free-choice child + detached parent= such a combination is unlikely to form. And even if it is formed, the child will most likely be broken and depressed over time, not feeling acceptance of himself or his significance for his parents.
3. Protest child + understanding parents= will lead to difficulties being overcome, no matter how difficult it is for parents during this period. And upon completion, the child will only be grateful that he was accepted and understood. The relationship between the child and parents can become closer.
4. Protest child + anxious parents= protest will consist in the desire to prove one’s maturity and independence. But the child will still feel that his parents do not accept him as he is and do not want him to grow up. And he will continue to rebel, but at the same time worry about his worthlessness.
5. Protest child + distant parents= similar to the previous type. But if in the previous type there is a very strong physical involvement with emotional distance. This type is most often characterized by both emotional and physical detachment. This is a risk group that shapes the child’s criminal future.
6. Adaptive child + understanding parents= will try to instill independence in the child. But some unconscious processes can interfere with this. As a result, the child can become more independent.
7. Adaptive child + distant parents= the child will constantly seek recognition and support from other people, seek authority. This is fraught with a strong dependence on the opinions of other people, without a filter of criticism. All his life he will seek love, recognition and understanding from other people.
8. Adaptive child + anxious parents= “I’m nothing of myself, without my parents I’m nothing, my parents know what’s best.” The consequences are very strong dependence on parents.

And these seemingly child problems are just a symptom of a family that:

• Filling the lives of parents with meaning.
• They help establish power in the family and establish justice.
• They help alleviate parental loneliness.
• They protect the family from disintegration, etc.

The child reflects the state of the parents and their relationship. Since adolescence often coincides with the crisis of middle age, the middle of parents’ lives, when there is a reassessment of values, summing up life, and the search for new meanings, this is accompanied by increased anxiety. The child's problems help relieve parents' anxiety about their lives and avoid solving their own problems.

The double messages that parents send to their child when they say one thing and demonstrate another through their behavior can also be harmful. For example, a mother is actively involved in her career; the most important thing for her is success. At the same time, she tells her daughter that it is very important for a woman to learn how to cook and run a household. This is where the dichotomy arises. The child’s situation will worsen if the father also sends double messages. And then, most often, the child chooses a position of passivity. It’s better to do nothing than to lose the love of your parents.

What should parents do?

• Recognize the significance for the child of his problems and experiences, his thoughts, ideas, and the things he does;
• Show tolerance for his indifference or rebellion. The best thing you can say to your child during this period "I still love you";
• Learn to talk to your child about feelings. And not only talk, but also listen and hear him. And for this, learn to feel your own feelings. Their differentiation and expression.
• Remember that hormones have an effect on the child. And many reactions are enhanced by their exposure;
• Form a common opinion with your spouse about the upbringing and expectations of the child. If you encounter strong contradictions in these matters, then this will be the key to unraveling the child’s “bad” behavior.
• And then it is necessary to resolve the conflict, often unconscious, that has arisen between parents and revive the relationship.
• Strive for integrity and harmony when your own words are consistent with your deeds.

And remember:

· Do not abuse punishments and prohibitions. Find the reason or reasons for this behavior. Remember that your child needs an individual approach.

· Strengthen cognitive interest. Involve your son or daughter in different activities, but keep the situation under constant control.

· Talk, explain, but do not set conditions, do not immediately demand ideal behavior. Introduce comprehensive changes to the teenager’s daily routine, society, and leisure time.

· Notice even minor changes in behavior, since at first antisocial behavior manifests itself episodically, situationally.

· Later, deviations occur more often, positive qualities cease to dominate, but remain. And finally, antisocial behavior becomes a habit.

· It is necessary to find the strengths or, better to say, the qualities of a teenager and use them correctly, develop them, giving feasible tasks. You need to believe in the child - this is the main thing! It is of great importance for a difficult teenager to experience happiness and joy from success. This is the greatest incentive for self-improvement. Talk to your child and avoid harsh language.

To avoid leading your relationship with your teenager to a dead end, pay attention to the following tips.

· Appreciate their frankness and be sincerely interested in the problems.

· Communicate as equals; the tone of the order does not work in your favor. Make it clear that you understand them.

· You cannot make fun of them, ridicule feelings, belittling their significance. Try to treat your children with respect, remember their vulnerability and sensitivity.

· Do not be irritated or aggressive, be calm and restrained. Remember that your rudeness will cause them to react.

· Do not talk about the object of your child's passion in a disparaging tone, thereby you will humiliate him.

· Under no circumstances should you rudely and categorically break off a relationship between teenagers, because they are still learning to communicate with each other and most often do not even think about anything bad.

· Invite his (her) girlfriend (friend) to your place, get to know him - this will allow you to get an objective, more believable, and not unfounded, idea of ​​who your child is dating. It is better if you allow them to meet at your home so that they do not have to look for random and dubious dating shelters.

· Tell them about yourself, your first love story - this will help you find mutual understanding with your child.

· If you are able to establish friendly relations with him, you will have the opportunity not only to control his behavior, but to influence his actions.

· Allow the teenager to independently understand the object of his affection, and if he experiences disappointment in his feelings, let it come not from you, but from himself. He will feel that he is able to independently understand the situation and make decisions.

· Remember that, on the one hand, a teenager is in dire need of parental help when faced with many problems, and on the other hand, he strives to protect his inner world of intimate experiences from unceremonious and rude intrusion, and he has every right to do so!

Problems of "difficult" teenagers, ways to prevent and solve them.

Concept "difficult"- very wide. This category usually includes children and adolescents with whom it is difficult for teachers to work, for whom wise instructions on education are useless, with whom it is difficult to find a common language, including for parents. In their description you can write a dozen or two adjectives with the prefix “not”; inattentive, restless, disobedient, incapable, etc. Are these children really some kind of intruders? Nothing like this! They are difficult because they themselves have a very difficult time for various reasons (medico-biological, pedagogical and psychological); it is difficult for them to study according to the general program, to go at the same pace, to fulfill the general requirements. For various reasons, they became different from their peers. Some are lagging behind in physical development, while others have gained a frantic growth rate, some are very excitable, while others are impossible to reach, some are delayed in mental development, while others are child prodigies. There are thousands of options here. There are difficult sick children neglected by bad parents and educators. But there is also an imaginary difficulty - the non-standard, originality of the child. Every difficult child is difficult in his own way.

In what period of life does a child with signs of “difficulty” develop? For some reason, it is believed that difficult children appear at school, but last from kindergarten. Many people think that this is just childish pranks.

Behavioral deviation in children is formed in childhood. Since this period in a child’s life is considered the most important. A. S. Makarenko also said that “a child’s personality is formed by the age of 5, and after 5 years it is already difficult to re-educate a child.”

Psychologist L.M. Zyubin, to the question: “At what age can signs of difficult education appear?”, answered: “From the moment he begins to be exposed to educational influence, or rather, to be aware of it.”

“Many years of practice in educational work, research into the mental work and spiritual life of children - all this leads to the conviction that the reasons why a child becomes difficult, unsuccessful, or lagging behind, in most cases lie in upbringing, in the conditions surrounding the child in early childhood . Parents and educators of preschoolers and primary schoolchildren deal with the most subtle, most sensitive, most gentle thing in nature - the child's brain. And if a child has become difficult, if everything that is within the reach of other people is not within his reach, it means that in childhood he did not receive what he should receive for his development. A child becomes difficult precisely at this age - from one year to seven or eight years,” stated V. A. Sukhomlinsky.

Indeed, the upbringing of a child begins in the embryonic state, before birth. His first teachers are his parents, then his kindergarten teachers, and only then his school teachers. Unfortunately, both individually and collectively they make many mistakes. But the child does not stand still in his development, he moves forward. From about the age of three, children develop rule-based behavior and normative activities. From his parents, through simple imitation, a child learns what is needed, what is possible and what is not. A three-year-old child cannot critically evaluate actions, actions, relationships, intonations: after all, parents are the only authority and example for him. And if this example develops in the child those qualities that will subsequently lead him to deviant behavior, violations in educational, gaming and other activities.

These children are not immune from the failures of professional preschool and school teachers. It turns out that, before reaching the notorious adolescence, preschoolers and primary schoolchildren are exposed to the negative influence of external factors in the family, kindergarten, and elementary school, which cause the child’s troubles. And since these reasons are mainly pedagogical, they cause, first of all, pedagogical neglect.

The conclusions of many famous teachers and the results of modern research indicate that the origins of juvenile delinquency and delinquency are deviations from the norm in behavior, play, learning or other activities that are observed in preschool age. The beginning of the development of deviant behavior usually coincides with the beginning of the development of rule-conforming behavior and normative activity in general. This is approximately three years of age. A child who is not instilled with the skills of such behavior, the ability to obey the requirements of the corresponding activity, over time grows into an undisciplined person.

The category of “difficult” teenagers is very diverse and extensive. The psychological well-being of the teenager in the future depends on how timely they are identified and how adequate the help offered to the teenager is. For a significant proportion of adolescents, “difficulties” are a consequence of their claims to adulthood, a false awareness of their rights, and the desire to achieve their recognition by adults.

Adolescent children are most dependent on the microenvironment that develops in relationships, in which the personality is formed, which is the family.

The family is a unique psychological unit. The feelings on which it stands give birth in the soul to the ability to value loved ones as oneself, and their interests as one’s own. Therefore, family can be a powerful source of humanity. In everyday life, in personal life, she is able to give people what the highest ideals and principles of life discovered by humanity give in society.

But for families raising delinquent teenagers, constant discord between parents (drunkenness, swearing, quarrels, fights) is typical.

Unfavorable relationships in the family, the negative example of parents: indifference to people, hypocrisy, rudeness, dishonesty, parasitism, alcoholism, crimes committed by adult family members create an unfavorable microenvironment, which is one of the most important reasons for the difficulty of raising adolescents.

The situation of teenagers in such families is extremely difficult. The child’s personality is constantly violated here. It is characteristic that in these families the main method of punishing adolescents, in addition to insults, abuse, and threats, is corporal punishment. It is no coincidence that teenagers' runaways, hooliganism, and rudeness arise as a unique form of self-defense against attacks on their personality. Basically, families simply do not know how to raise children correctly due to a low cultural level, or they cannot due to a number of reasons, where such factors as employment, illness, etc. play a certain role.

An analysis of the relationship of “difficult” children with the surrounding reality, the nature of their relationships with parents, teachers, and peers convinces us that only the shortcomings of family education, the profound shortcomings of school education, and the inconsistency of the position of school and family become the core of a conflict situation that lays the foundation for the moral deformation of a teenager’s personality.

Difficulty in upbringing is accompanied by deformation of social connections and alienation of adolescents from the main institutions of socialization: primarily family and school, therefore one of the most important tasks of psychological and pedagogical support is to overcome this alienation, to include the adolescent in a system of socially significant relationships, thanks to which he can successfully assimilate positive social experience . The solution to this problem involves a whole range of social and pedagogical measures aimed at both improving the conditions of family and school education, and at individual psychological and pedagogical correction of the personality of a difficult-to-educate person, as well as measures to restore his social status in a group of peers.

The process of re-education, like the process of upbringing, must be built, first of all, taking into account the individual psychological properties of the teenager, taking into account those specific circumstances and unfavorable conditions of upbringing that contributed to the emergence of various asocial manifestations and deviations. Therefore, it is very difficult, and perhaps impossible, to give a recipe for every difficult case of pedagogical practice, however, an analysis of the successful experience of educational and preventive work allows us to formulate some general principles of socio-pedagogical rehabilitation.

One of the most important principles is to rely on the positive qualities of a teenager. It is unacceptable for a teacher to categorically condemn something “difficult,” or to make final gloomy forecasts like “so-and-so won’t be of any use anyway,” or “he’s a complete criminal,” “he’ll end up in prison anyway,” etc. The ability to see the positive in “difficult” behavior, the ability to rely on and develop this good behavior is the most important condition for successful social and pedagogical rehabilitation.

No less important is the formation of a teenager’s future life aspirations, related primarily to professional guidance and the choice of a future profession. Difficult to educate, socially and pedagogically neglected students, having chronic poor performance in school subjects, often despair, stop believing in themselves, do not see their future, live one day at a time, momentary entertainment and pleasures, often creating very serious preconditions for the criminalization and desocialization of the teenager’s personality. Therefore, it is necessary that children who, for various reasons, cannot do well, do not lose faith that they will grow up to be useful citizens of society; it is necessary to help them choose a profession in accordance with their capabilities, inclinations, and level of existing knowledge.

Individual psychological research involves identifying both the weak and strong aspects of the personality of difficult-to-educate adolescents, which, on the one hand, require psychological and pedagogical correction, and on the other, constitute a healthy psychological potential of the individual, which can be relied upon in the process of education, restructured taking into account value and reference orientations of a teenager, his interests and motivation, which will also help to identify a psychodiagnostic study.

· Approach the problem of a “difficult” child, first of all, from the position of understanding the difficulties of the child himself.

Don't forget that the child is to some extent our reflection. Without understanding the reasons for his difficulty and eliminating them, we will not be able to help the child. Rise above your own problems to see your child's problems.

· Take a philosophical approach to difficulties in upbringing. They always happen. You should not think that there are “easy” children. Raising a child is always difficult, even under the most optimal conditions and opportunities.

· Beware of panic and fatalism. They are bad parenting companions. Don’t get used to fanning the fire of trouble from the spark of every difficult situation. Don't judge your child poorly because of some bad deed. Do not turn failure in one task into complete failure for the child.

· Finally, be optimistic! (I have a difficult child, but I believe in his perspective; we have many problems, but I see them, and a correctly posed problem is already half solved).

For children and adolescents, along with group socio-training, auto-training can be used to overcome bad habits, correct negative social attitudes, self-esteem, relieve anxiety, aggressiveness, communication difficulties, correct low sociometric status and other violations of relationships with elders, peers, and representatives of the opposite. floor.

And lastly: wishes for adults working with children and adolescents:

· Never abuse a teenager's trust. Even the most insignificant, in our opinion, secret entrusted to us, or a confidential conversation should remain between us. Otherwise, we will never become a person worthy of trust and respect in the eyes of our students.

Any parent hates to hear bad things about their children. If we want to find an ally in parents, we must learn not only to complain, but also to praise their child, to be able to see the good sides in every difficult, “spoiled” teenager.

1. Maintain your own positive self-esteem as a parent. The teenage crisis is not a consequence of your mistakes and imperfections. It is important for you to maintain confidence in yourself as a parent no matter what.
2. Respect the teenager's right to independence. A child needs to be psychologically separated from his parents, otherwise he will not be able to grow into a full-fledged adult. Personal boundaries are fundamentally important at this age. It is not recommended to violate them. Already absolutely as a last resort. School failures are not an extreme case. We're talking about much worse things.
3. Give your teenager more freedom. It is useless to tighten the screws, push and prohibit. This will only cause the difficult teenager to forcefully achieve more freedom than he actually needs.
4. In addition, it is fundamentally important to maintain contact with the teenager. The most important thing we can do at this stage is to maintain a favorable atmosphere at home, provide psychological support, helping the child understand himself and adapt to the changes that occur during adolescence. This in no way means connivance or indifference. This means benevolence, respect for the teenager’s personality and his opinion, recognition of his right to his own life, different from yours.
5. Gradually give the teenager control over more and more areas of his life. He must learn from his own experiences and mistakes. Studying should increasingly become the teenager’s area of ​​personal responsibility. Of course, you are nearby and ready to help. But only at the request of the child himself.
6. Define and strictly observe the boundaries of what is acceptable. And follow them yourself! If you require your child to use a respectful tone in conversation, it would be useful to adhere to it yourself.
7. Strictly monitor compliance with your own psychological boundaries. Parents, in addition to responsibilities, also have rights. Including your life.
8. Remember that for a teenager, the most significant people are other teenagers and other adults, from whom the teenager has no reason to separate. Therefore, it is very important to provide the child with a good environment.
9. In difficult cases, specialists will help the teenager (and you!). But don't place too much hope on them. They will help, but will not solve all your problems for you. Where should parents of a difficult teenager go - to a crisis center (for example, on Chapygina, 13 in St. Petersburg), to a school psychologist, to various commercial centers specializing in helping teenagers.
10. And most importantly, remember: the difficult age will pass sooner or later, the child will become wiser and calmer. And he will be very grateful to you if, despite his sometimes unbearable behavior, you maintain a respectful and warm relationship with him.

Bazenkov Ilya Lvovich, psychologist, has been working with parents and children since 1989, has unique experience working with teenagers on hikes, expeditions, and camps

This "difficult" teenager. What should parents do? How can I help myself and him?

An article for parents about the characteristics of adolescence and how to help yourself and your teenager get through this transitional age without unnecessary hassle and grief. The above is based not only on the data of psychological science, but also on many years of professional experience.

A teenager is called “difficult” in cases where his behavior greatly deviates from socially acceptable norms. But often an ordinary teenager becomes “difficult” for his parents. Everything said in this article applies to all teenagers, even those with very deviant behavior. Its task is to make communication between parents and their teenage child more conscious, based not only on emotions and their ideas, but also on objective scientific knowledge about adolescent psychology.

1. Transitional age.

It would seem that there is no more hackneyed topic than adolescence. But practice shows that new generations of parents often find themselves unarmed when this very period begins in the lives of their children. But everything is not so scary, you just need to know and take into account the characteristics of teenagers.
The biological characteristics of adolescents have long been known. If you want to learn about them in detail, you can turn to specialized literature or Internet search engines. Here we will briefly note the most important things.

The beginning of this period of human development is associated primarily with puberty. Metabolism increases, endocrine glands form and actively function, which is sometimes called a “hormonal storm.” All this affects the central nervous system and is reflected in the psyche - new behavioral reactions appear, emotional perception intensifies, sudden mood swings (emotional swings) may occur, restlessness appears, deterioration in concentration, etc.

But is adolescence as dangerous as it is often portrayed? After all, all adults went through it and nothing happened, they live normally, and many of their own problems in adolescence completely forget. Moreover, “modern teenagers” and young people in general are actively criticized.

Indeed, sometimes teenagers cause trouble and unpleasant experiences for their parents. Some are more, others are less. And for many, this period passes without any “external complications”, unnoticed by others. Sounds like childhood illnesses. They can be easy, they can be severe and, unfortunately, in some cases (mostly, fortunately, rare) they cause complications for life.
There are biological reasons for this, but basically the course of adolescence depends on the adults around the teenager, primarily the parents. By the way, when talking about teenagers, we often pay attention to any negativity. But adolescence is not only problems for parents.

The teenager grows up, becomes smarter, childhood capriciousness and irritability may go away, it becomes more interesting to communicate with him, he develops new interests, etc. It is during adolescence that character formation occurs. And if there are smart and attentive adults nearby, then the so-called transitional age cannot be called “difficult.” And if you pay attention only to “problems”, then you will get it in accordance with your perception. How to improve relationships with a teenager, learn to live harmoniously with him and without forgetting about your own life? This is what this short article is about.

2.Why are teenagers like this?

Let's start with the fact that the concept itself "transitional age" appeared only in the 19th century in industrial countries. This is due to a very simple thing - the gap between growing up and social adulthood has lengthened, the time for learning and entering adulthood has increased.

A teenager has a need to free himself from adult control, to feel independent and independent. There are suggestions that this need has biological roots. But this hardly matters to parents. What do we care about biological prerequisites? It is necessary to solve the problems of communication and education, and let scientists deal with the theory of evolution. The main thing is that teenagers have this need. But in the modern world, unlike primitive societies, entry into adulthood is delayed for many years.

The main contradiction of this period of life is the gap between the need to recognize oneself as independent and an adult and the lack of social conditions for this.

As a result, the so-called “emancipation reaction” arises, which is based on the desire to assert oneself and feel like an independent person. It can manifest itself in different ways (remember childhood diseases). For some it is almost invisible (as a rule, parents like it), and for some it can take extreme forms - in this case we often get a “difficult teenager”. This need in adolescence can manifest itself in the form of demonstrative behavior, disregard for rules and prohibitions, the desire to stand out (teenage fashion), rejection of some moral norms and values, etc. It can be systematic or give rise to surges in one way or another about.

Do we need to fight the teenage need for independence and independence? Or, on the contrary, encourage it with all our might? Or maybe just ignore it?

There is no definite answer here and cannot be. People are different, many of their characteristics are predetermined by biological reasons, as well as by development at earlier stages. And “maturation” proceeds differently for everyone.

But if you try with all your might to make a teenager correct, convenient for others, then you will most likely end up with a dependent, infantile personality. By the way, it is quite possible that in a few years your child will file a claim against you for this.
Or you will cause a defensive reaction in the form of increased “rebellious” behavior.

Does this mean that all manifestations of rebelliousness among teenagers should be looked at “with a blind eye”? Of course no. In adolescence, self-regulation mechanisms are not yet sufficiently developed. Let us remember that the frontal lobes of the brain, which are responsible for goal-directed behavior, are finally formed only by the age of twenty. For many teenagers, control is needed. Just which one and by what methods? We'll talk about this below.

Another important feature of adolescence is the strong need to communicate with peers and to belong to a group. Younger children do not have such a pronounced need. It can be assumed that there are also biological reasons behind it. Experiments with adolescent chimpanzees showed that isolation from their peers caused them to become depressed, which was not observed in the case of adult monkeys and young children.

A teenager is characterized by an almost instinctive desire to communicate with peers and belong to some kind of teenage group.

He strives to find his place in a peer group and meet the requirements of this group. At this age, the lack of friends and rejection by peers are especially acute.

And yet, sad as it may sound for many, the opinion of peers is often much more important for a teenager than the adults around him.

There is a deep psychological meaning in the desire to communicate with peers. It is through involvement in group communication that a teenager learns to try on different social roles, control various forms of behavior, participate in common activities, develop communication skills, and develop self-esteem. In short, a teenager socializes and learns to live in society.

Some other features of adolescence.

A tendency towards introspection arises, the teenager begins to think about himself - what am I, who am I, why am I, what is happening to me, why is this happening to me... But teenagers are prone to egocentrism, and when thinking about themselves they often exaggerate the attention of others (adults) and peers) to their thoughts, appearance, behavior, feelings and other manifestations, to the content of their personality in general.

Therefore, adolescents may have increased sensitivity to critical comments and value judgments addressed to them. And this, in turn, can lead to negative defensive reactions (negativism, anger, rudeness, etc.).

Never get personal, evaluate only specific actions.

Adolescence is often characterized by maximalism, especially moral, a heightened sense of justice, romanticism, and a tendency to exaggerate events and feelings. (Remember Romeo and Juliet - they were teenagers too...).

Parents, do not insult or ridicule your children, pay attention to the positive traits (often adults focus only on the negative), do not demand what the teenager cannot yet do, be fair.

3. How to influence a teenager.

The most important question for adults is how to influence a teenager? And here we come to the most important thing for many parents.

But if you, dear reader, are still waiting for ready-made recipes, like in a cookbook, then there is no point in reading further.

What can adults around a teenager, especially parents, do? And they can only do one thing - to the best of their ability, create a favorable atmosphere, provide psychological support in adapting to the changes that occur during adolescence.

Just please, do not understand by a favorable atmosphere complete connivance and indifference to what is happening in the life of a teenager.

To create such an atmosphere means to create an environment in accordance with the needs of the age. Let us remember that these needs are innate, determined by biological reasons. If this can be done, then the influence of parents increases many times over. Influence not through prohibitions and control, but through communication and your authority.

Remember that your attitudes influence the attitudes of another person, and a teenager in particular. Your vision and perception of the situation affects the situation itself. If you perceive your child from a positive perspective, then the likelihood that your influence will be positive will increase.

Most teenagers who grew up in favorable living conditions, thanks to psychological support from adults, adapt quite smoothly and calmly move into adulthood.

And also, dear reader, we will not prove the unacceptability of cruelty, rudeness, and indifference towards a teenager. If you are reading these lines, then this does not apply to you.

Let's talk about parental control as a way of influencing a teenager.

The most effective style is characterized by the following:

1.Parents value manifestations of independence in their child and let him understand this.
2. They do not infringe on his rights, but demand the fulfillment of his duties (we will return to the question of what can be considered the responsibilities of a teenager).
3. A child can have his own opinion, express it freely and even make decisions on some issues (depending on age and preferably with parental approval). In any case, adults listen to the teenager’s opinion, take it into account, and make compromises.
4. If something is prohibited, it is always justified in a calm and friendly tone.
5. Demonstrates attentiveness and interest.

Control is exercised through discussions, attention to the problems and needs of the teenager, through the authority of parents, help in solving problems (but without petty supervision), and reasonable demands.
The fact is that, despite their need for independence, adolescents psychologically need support and help from adults in solving their problems, and in benevolent attention to their lives.

In most cases, adolescents perceive such control quite normally, feeling support, support and affection from their parents. Moreover, numerous studies have shown that with this style, independence and self-confidence are developed, self-esteem increases, and parental demands are perceived as fair and reasonable.

Unfortunately, other control styles are often found. Let's look at them briefly (there is no point in going into detail, because their essence is very simple)

Authoritarian. Parents almost always tell their children what to do, and in a categorical manner, without explanation. You have to and that's it! The teenager’s opinion is not listened to, even if he expresses it. Obedience is the main value for such parents. Mostly prohibitions, punishments, and attempts to regulate the life of a teenager are used.

As a result, self-doubt and the inability to think independently and take responsibility are most likely formed. Moreover, children of such parents are more likely than other teenagers to believe that their parents do not love them and their demands are unfair.
Often this method of control leads to the teenager becoming “difficult”.

Conniving (pseudo-democratic). The teenager makes decisions himself; parents do not interfere in his affairs and are not interested in his problems. Often such parents believe that in this way they are fostering individuality, the use of one’s own potential, and equality in the family. In other words, parents simply let things happen. By the way, sometimes behind this lies simply a reluctance to take care of your child and take any responsibility for him.

Thus, the teenager is deprived (as in the case of authoritarian parents) of the support he needs, he is deprived of a model of responsible adult behavior.

Most teenagers, despite their need for independence, do not want to see their parents as equals. They need kindness, understanding, respect, a sense of support, but not equality in relationships. They need loving, respectful, understanding parents in whom the teenager, with all his age-related problems, feels love and support.

The most terrible mixture- this is an authoritarian and permissive style at the same time: in some situations one, in others the opposite, or their alternation depending on the mood of the parents. This is a direct path to raising a neurotic, and he will live with his neurotic problems all his life, unless he comes across a good psychotherapist.

Responsibilities of a teenager.

Let's start with studying. This is what many adults consider the main responsibility of a teenager. The only problem is that teenagers themselves do not always adhere to this opinion. And the psychological characteristics of adolescence (remember?) do not really correspond to studies. But neither teenagers nor parents have anywhere to go. And in life we ​​have to perform not always pleasant responsibilities. How to make studying become a teenager’s responsibility?

The most effective way is to delegate responsibility for it to him. Tell both yourself and him that studying is his area of ​​responsibility, where he is responsible for the result.

If adults constantly try to control a teenager’s studies, sit with him on homework, and constantly remind him of his lessons, then responsibility for the result falls on them. And if you consider that all this is often to the detriment of relationships, and with dubious results... And why is this necessary?

This does not mean that you should become indifferent to your child's studies and not help him when necessary (when he asks). Just don’t behave like a boss and a subordinate, or like a teacher and a student. The teacher is obliged to teach and, by the way, to be responsible for the performance in the class. Let the teachers do this.
And the task of parents is to help their child go through the stage of growing up, to become independent and responsible for their life.

The most difficult thing is to accept that studying is the responsibility of a teenager, and to make some changes in your views on education.

It must be warned that, despite their need for independence and independence, adolescents do not always welcome freedom from control and guardianship. But let us remember that even adults are often in conflict - to be themselves, but at the same time to be afraid of responsibility for their actions. (By the way, fear of responsibility develops in adolescence).

What about other responsibilities? Each family has its own rules and circumstances. But, based on the needs of adolescence, several rules can be formulated:

1. The obligation must be justified and not look far-fetched or the whim of the parents.
2. If you trust in something, then do not control the process.
3. Don’t dump what you don’t want to do yourself.
4.The responsibility must be specific and clearly formulated.
5. Consider age and capabilities.

It's simple. Is not it?

4. How to help yourself.

Let's start with the fact that parents are people too. With your own problems, needs, desires, interests and rights. They have every right to live their lives to the fullest and take care not only of their teenage child, but also of themselves.

In counseling practice - and simply in life - we often encounter a situation where parents excessively take responsibility for different aspects of a teenager’s life. But does this always give them the desired effect? The answer is most often no.

Moreover, the result may be the parents’ nervousness, deterioration of relationships, the teenager’s passivity, his withdrawal into himself and reluctance to do anything, etc. and so on. And parents cannot be fully responsible for everything that happens in the life of their teenage child; it will not work. They don't have such an opportunity.

The first step towards normalizing your life will be transferring responsibility for at least something to the teenager himself..

The study situation was discussed above. But you can also delegate responsibility for various other things to him. For example, cleaning his room, extracurricular activities, how he should dress, when to come home, communicating with relatives, taking care of his things, what books to read, who to communicate with, behavior at school…. The list goes on and on.

It is clear that this will be difficult. But ask yourself questions. What can you really influence? How does this or that point affect you personally? What do you sacrifice when you take on responsibility for something in your child's life, and is it worth it?

The more you relieve yourself of responsibility, the easier it will be for you. And sooner or later this will have a positive effect on the teenager. After all, by delegating responsibility, you thereby give him a sense of autonomy and independence.

But what to do if the behavior of a teenager in any case causes you great inconvenience and violates your rights? What do you do in your adult life when your rights are violated? You probably defend them. Do the same in the case of a teenager. Just not on emotions, irritation, threats, moralizing or offending a person, but on the basis of a calm, reasoned explanation of your position, show how your rights are being violated.

But this should be done only on fundamental issues and not from the position - I’m a parent, so you should..., but as a person with an equal partner.

For example, a teenager regularly comes home late without warning. You are worried, you cannot rest peacefully or go about your business after work. So explain all this to him, share your feelings, try to come to a compromise.

Just discuss a strictly specific problem, without being distracted by something else and without remembering old sins. Remember that teenagers have a heightened sense of justice, and even if your arguments don’t work at first, the problem will eventually be smoothed out.

If parents argue for their rights, then the relationship with the child improves.

Besides abdicating responsibility and standing up for your rights, there is one more thing to think about. What experiences about what is happening in the life of a child or teenager are determined not by what is actually happening or what really matters, but by your internal attitudes, anxieties, needs, desires, fantasies, etc.

A simple example. The teenager received a bad grade at school. Answer yourself - what bothers you most here, that he did not learn a certain topic, or the fear of being seen as a “bad parent” in the eyes of others? Take an inventory of your thoughts and feelings, try to understand what underlies them. And then you just have to throw away the excess. Why carry extra weight? Life already has enough serious problems, what’s the point of burdening yourself with even more? Life will become easier, and this will have a beneficial effect on your relationship with your teenager. But adults often burden not only themselves, but also their children. Who needs this?

In conclusion, a few words. The article provides general principles. In life, every situation is unique, because... All people are different, even twins. But if you approach your situation based on what you have read here, the result will be there. Just don't expect it right away. Try, analyze, don’t give up right away and everything will work out.